Independence Day

 In honor of the 4^th of July, I am going to tell some tales of men I am glad to have gained my independence. In other words, men I am glad are no longer in my life. They served a purpose and moved on. Sometimes that purpose was to teach me a lesson. Names have been changed not to protect the innocent but to prevent my ass from being sued.

 

 LARRY. We met at the end of each of our respective marriages. We fell head over heels for each other. We had so much in common. We laughed, cried, and finished each other’s sentences. We talked on the phone for hours each day. We just belonged together.  We debated on him moving to Alabama or me moving to Pennsylvania. We decided I would move to PA with my kids, so he could be closer to his daughter who was a toddler. My daughters and I fell in love with Chelsea right away. She was an adorable child. Things seemed to be fine. Everyone was getting settled in a new life.

About six months after we moved in, he started working later and later. We had Chelsea every two weeks for two weeks. I was spending more time with her than he was. He started acting different. I should have taken the cue and left but I had nowhere to go.  Then we got the news he was being deployed to Iraq. That is when everything fell apart bit by bit.

The shit hit the fan when he was given a medical discharge. He had been having an affair with a subordinate at work. She wanted me gone. His mother and siblings who were in on this broke into our home and proceeded to assault me and tried to assault my 10 year old child. The police were called. He tried to have me arrested for trespassing even though I lived there. The police refused to arrest anyone for assaulting me. Then Larry bribed the cops in front of me.

He admitted that our entire relationship was a ruse: eighteen months of lies, hidden agendas, and just plain bullshit. He never loved me. He still loved his ex-wife even though she had left him for another man. He hoped that by getting involved with me; she would become jealous and come back to him.

 So many horrid things came to light in the next few weeks. I never thought I would recover and was so worried about my girls. I did get a bit of revenge. The workplace affair cost Larry his job when I gave his boss proof of the affair. I do not regret doing that and never will.

This relationship almost killed me but forced me into therapy for which I am grateful.

Lessons learned: Finish one relationship before beginning another, be financially independent, and listen to my gut.

 JEFF: I was upfront with Jeff and told him I wanted to take things slow. We did.  We lived 70 miles apart and only saw each other once a week. We did talk on the phone every day. He was upfront and told me he never wanted to marry again. His wife had cheated on him and left him for another man. He did not want to go through another marriage.

We dated for four months and in that time I never went to his home nor met any family or friends.

Jeff was very shy, quiet, and very vanilla.

He surprised me by breaking up suddenly. His reasoning was that when he told me he never wanted to remarry, he could see the disappointment in my face.

We talked for several weeks and discussed getting back together when he announced that he had not been truthful with me.  He had started seeing someone else. That he and his wife had been involved in some different sexual practices and that technically she had not cheated on him, although she had left him for another man. That some of these sexual practices involved something called cuckolding. This is when he realized he was bisexual and wanted to be involved in BDSM.

Jeff left me for a man. Those of you that really know me know I have many gay friends and very active in the gay community, BUT I cannot describe the feeling of being left for a man. I was devastated.

Lessons learned: Get to know someone, know their home, their family, their friends, their past.

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ROBBIE:  He was about ten years older than me. He was very laid back and he was very hot. We had a lot of fun. We went hiking, kayaking, swimming, drank, and just had a lot of fun.

He was at my home most of that four months and I never set foot in his home nor even knew where it was. I never met any family or friends either.  I will admit it was very casual and we never discussed the future.

Without notice, I had to throw a bridal shower for my daughter. He offered to help me clean house, cut grass, and set up for party. I needed the help and agreed. Nothing went right that weekend. My dog got out for hours, minor things involved with party were not going right, and then Alex and I got into a huge fight. How many moms and teen daughters do not fight?  I thought nothing of it.

Well Robbie disappeared after that without a word. He did not answer his phone or email. A month later he sent me an instant message saying he no longer wanted to see me. No shit Sherlock. He told me I was a horrible person and mom. That the fight with Alex bordered on abuse. I told him my relationship with Alex was none of his fucking business and how dare he judge me. I asked Alex later what the fight was about and she said what fight? Yeah she was abused alright.

I later found out that he lied about where he lived and what he did for a living. I also found out that he had been convicted of several DUI’s and currently did not have a driver’s license. All things that would have made me think twice about dating him.

Lessons learned: Know someone’s past, repeat on the family and friends, life are not always fun and games, and criticism of parenthood is never allowed.

I have decided to save the last person for another blog.